Chapter 06 Ghosted

Adele Park on Pet Life Radio

Skitters the Cat is in a quirky quandary. He'd rather chew off his own paw than lift it to help Blue McKenna. The problem is, this ghost is going to keep bugging Skitters until he wants to die himself. Enjoy Chapter 06 of Quirky Cat Gets Ghosted. Meow Kitties!

Listen to Episode #9 Now:

Transcript:

 

00:00:02.080 --> 00:00:03.680
This is PetLife Radio.

00:00:03.880 --> 00:00:05.040
Let's talk pets.

00:00:07.560 --> 00:00:13.300
Cat lovers and feline friends, it's time for Adele Park's Quirky Cat Nips.

00:00:16.280 --> 00:00:25.860
Today on the Quirky Cat Nips Podcast, we're airing a chapter of Quirky Cat Gets Ghosted, which we will do until the entire audio book has been broadcasted.

00:00:26.760 --> 00:00:33.320
We invite all you kitties to kick back now, relax and enjoy Quirky Cat Gets Ghosted by Adele Park.

00:00:39.982 --> 00:00:41.302
Audio Recording St.

00:00:41.322 --> 00:00:49.962
George Presents Quirky Cat Gets Ghosted Written, produced and edited by Adele Park Narrated by a full cast.

00:00:49.982 --> 00:00:50.142
A cast.

00:00:59.605 --> 00:01:04.945
A Directive from Gertrude Fletcher, Head of the Naval Utah Department of Motor Vehicles.

00:01:06.005 --> 00:01:07.045
Part 6.

00:01:10.525 --> 00:01:12.145
I don't like cats.

00:01:12.805 --> 00:01:17.845
I do respect their ability to navigate precarious situations, however.

00:01:18.645 --> 00:01:25.865
Have you ever watched a cat weave through a shelf full of glass collectibles without disturbing a single one of them?

00:01:26.325 --> 00:01:32.745
Dogs, by comparison, bulldoze forward, happily knocking asunder anything within a tail's reach.

00:01:33.445 --> 00:01:41.205
Dogs may be man's best friend, but in the case of Blue McKenna, cats are her only hope for salvation.

00:01:41.685 --> 00:01:50.185
Blue dislikes cats even more than me, a feeling that is amplified in the case of one cat in particular, skitters.

00:01:51.205 --> 00:01:54.965
I never had the displeasure of meeting skitters when I still had a pulse.

00:01:56.105 --> 00:02:00.785
I try to avoid this oversized flea magnet in my current state as well.

00:02:01.765 --> 00:02:05.185
Blue can't afford the luxury of ghosting skitters.

00:02:05.985 --> 00:02:09.245
He's the only one in her former sphere who can see her.

00:02:10.645 --> 00:02:13.765
Cats have always been attuned to the supernatural.

00:02:14.625 --> 00:02:19.905
Perhaps this is why there is a close association between felines and the occult.

00:02:21.065 --> 00:02:27.265
Have you ever seen a cat suddenly arch its back and hiss when there's no apparent threat?

00:02:28.205 --> 00:02:32.465
It happens a lot when skitters finds himself in the vicinity of Blue.

00:02:33.545 --> 00:02:36.985
I take it this was a contentious relationship to begin with.

00:02:37.965 --> 00:02:40.445
Things haven't improved with Blue's passing.

00:02:41.365 --> 00:02:45.385
Calling upon skitters for assistance is tenuous at best.

00:02:46.025 --> 00:02:50.145
Unlike dogs, cats don't enjoy doing the bidding of humans.

00:02:50.805 --> 00:02:52.265
They have their own agendas.

00:02:52.845 --> 00:03:00.285
It takes a proper amount of nudging to compel felines to act, even when it is in their own best interest.

00:03:01.045 --> 00:03:03.205
Miss Kitty is one such example.

00:03:03.745 --> 00:03:12.985
I had already perished when Juniper Hollow was set ablaze following a domestic argument between a polygamist woman and her mobster husband.

00:03:13.765 --> 00:03:20.925
Two cats survived the fire, carried out of the flames by a mama kitty who later succumbed to smoke inhalation.

00:03:21.565 --> 00:03:29.505
Drawn to the commotion caused by the ruckus, I was on hand to prod Miss Kitty to climb to safety at the top of Granite Ridge.

00:03:30.465 --> 00:03:37.885
The other cat, one called Harriet, remained behind, waiting to connect with the polygamist child who once handled her.

00:03:39.045 --> 00:03:44.045
Both cats are still alive today, and both have been entangled with skitters.

00:03:44.805 --> 00:03:51.985
Pity this is what Blue is hanging her hat on to save her from an eternity of lurking around the division of motor vehicles.

00:03:58.179 --> 00:04:02.019
In case you haven't noticed, you've been ghosted.

00:04:05.859 --> 00:04:08.859
Chapter Six, Skitters the Cat.

00:04:09.599 --> 00:04:15.079
Hell to the no, Stinchy Wench, especially if you're gonna peppy lapew me.

00:04:15.919 --> 00:04:20.819
Seriously, girl, you smell like a weak old pot of sulfur soup.

00:04:21.399 --> 00:04:23.459
Blue McKenna annoyed me in life.

00:04:23.979 --> 00:04:26.699
She positively galls me in death.

00:04:27.279 --> 00:04:31.439
This corpulescent bride of Frankenstein could never sleep with the fishes.

00:04:31.879 --> 00:04:33.599
They wouldn't have her down there.

00:04:34.119 --> 00:04:37.519
An entire ocean couldn't dilute her apocalyptic stink.

00:04:37.979 --> 00:04:44.919
Blue's body odor is so rancid, the food in my cat dish spoils the minute she shows up.

00:04:45.439 --> 00:04:47.979
Why does she keep coming around anyway?

00:04:48.779 --> 00:04:50.739
It's not like we're even frenemies.

00:04:51.259 --> 00:04:54.159
You have to like someone first to gain that status.

00:04:54.779 --> 00:05:00.819
Why then would I ever willingly commune with this putrid vapor belching cadaver?

00:05:01.639 --> 00:05:03.819
At first, I tried to ignore her.

00:05:04.579 --> 00:05:10.439
I could close my eyes and block out the ghastly shimmer that she's become, but not her scent.

00:05:11.039 --> 00:05:17.019
I'll bet you didn't know this, but a cat's sense of smell is 14 times better than a human's.

00:05:17.639 --> 00:05:23.879
What might smell like a whiff of BO to you is like working the floor of a fart factory to me.

00:05:24.859 --> 00:05:30.299
Even more troubling is the fact that I can hear every snide word Blue says.

00:05:31.319 --> 00:05:32.019
Say what?

00:05:32.559 --> 00:05:37.239
You're going for the talking cat, but you draw the line at a ghost.

00:05:37.999 --> 00:05:39.239
Suit yourself, sweetheart.

00:05:39.719 --> 00:05:44.059
I've got a whopper of a tail to wag so you can get off here if you don't like it.

00:05:44.919 --> 00:05:57.579
For those of you continuing on with our story, you may be wondering why Blue would waste time on a cat who would rather be at the vet's office having a thermometer crammed up its poop portal than hanging out with her.

00:05:58.659 --> 00:06:00.079
The answer is simple.

00:06:00.819 --> 00:06:05.479
I'm the only one open-minded enough to see what is right in front of me.

00:06:06.219 --> 00:06:10.699
The rest of Blue's lot is floating down a muddy river called Denial.

00:06:11.539 --> 00:06:15.959
Scotty Sphincter is as emotionally clamped down as his actual sphincter.

00:06:16.799 --> 00:06:27.059
Moon McKenna, Blue's twin, is unable to detect the sweaty crotch odor that now defines her sister thanks to copious amounts of a lotion called Almond Sunrise.

00:06:28.059 --> 00:06:34.899
I wish I didn't know this because it implies a level of intimacy that will never happen when it comes to me and Blue.

00:06:35.919 --> 00:06:43.619
Before she sweltered into the boiled egg gone south that she is today, Blue reeked of Almond Sunrise.

00:06:44.439 --> 00:06:47.979
It was a lotion Moon manufactured exclusively for her.

00:06:48.959 --> 00:06:54.259
Perhaps under different circumstances, I would have enjoyed this organically tropical scent.

00:06:54.779 --> 00:07:01.199
Because it was associated with a woman who deserved every torment I could drag her way, I detested it.

00:07:01.719 --> 00:07:07.079
Now that Moon has suddenly taken to wearing Almond Sunrise, I try to avoid her too.

00:07:07.619 --> 00:07:15.839
That's working out a whole lot better than dodging the Left in the Sun Limburger Cheese that floats around in Blue's wedding dress.

00:07:16.379 --> 00:07:18.659
What's up with those cowboy boots?

00:07:19.139 --> 00:07:23.799
I asked, hoping to get under her skin, or whatever it is she has these days.

00:07:24.599 --> 00:07:27.879
There was no sense in acting like Blue wasn't around.

00:07:28.359 --> 00:07:33.479
The milk in my dish was curdling into rank dingy strips of pale gunk.

00:07:34.279 --> 00:07:38.979
When Blue didn't respond, I realized it took a lot of energy for her to talk.

00:07:39.679 --> 00:07:43.159
She wasn't going to waste it telling me what a putz I am.

00:07:43.679 --> 00:07:50.259
Blue's opinions of me didn't matter when she was doing the mattress mambo wearing nothing but those boots.

00:07:50.599 --> 00:07:53.399
And they definitely don't now that she's dead.

00:07:53.859 --> 00:07:59.899
Just as a side note, Blue and Scotty really got their freak on when it came to her white cowboy boots.

00:08:00.799 --> 00:08:02.539
Cats see things, you know?

00:08:03.559 --> 00:08:08.939
I've been neutered, but I can still work up a wad of jizz at important times like this.

00:08:09.759 --> 00:08:14.299
I sauntered over to the glistening, slime colored image and let loose.

00:08:15.139 --> 00:08:18.479
Excellent execution on the spray if I do say so myself.

00:08:19.399 --> 00:08:20.839
It was like it erased her.

00:08:21.499 --> 00:08:25.519
For a second, the misty green mess disappeared altogether.

00:08:26.379 --> 00:08:36.119
Satisfied, I turned around and nearly jumped out of my fabulous fur coat when I discovered Blue's face about three centimeters from my nose.

00:08:37.019 --> 00:08:38.979
Then she did the unthinkable.

00:08:39.499 --> 00:08:45.479
She opened her mouth and aimed a stream of breath at me that was so virulent, I nearly passed out.

00:08:46.319 --> 00:08:50.619
It felt like she'd clubbed me between the eyes with a bottle of warm pee.

00:08:51.619 --> 00:08:54.599
Revolted, I inched away, arching my back.

00:08:55.379 --> 00:09:01.879
By this point, my fur was standing up so straight, Blue could have turned me over and used me like a saddle brush.

00:09:02.819 --> 00:09:05.019
What she did instead was much worse.

00:09:05.859 --> 00:09:11.619
She slithered even closer, exhaling another tide of radioactive air.

00:09:12.539 --> 00:09:16.459
What the hell do you want, you rotting, heartless swamp dragon?

00:09:17.299 --> 00:09:19.399
I was crying actual tears.

00:09:20.099 --> 00:09:21.259
Not because I was sad.

00:09:21.919 --> 00:09:27.539
Blue's breath had an industrial strength ammonia quality to it that scorched my eyeballs.

00:09:28.179 --> 00:09:31.039
For a minute, Blue seemed to be fading.

00:09:31.779 --> 00:09:33.719
I felt a small flicker of hope.

00:09:34.419 --> 00:09:40.439
Then she roared back and dropped a verbal load of napalm on me with these two words.

00:09:41.139 --> 00:09:42.559
Juniper Hollow.

00:09:42.839 --> 00:09:44.739
No further explanation was needed.

00:09:45.359 --> 00:09:47.819
Not that Blue was capable in that moment anyway.

00:09:48.499 --> 00:09:51.239
The effort caused her to fade into near nothingness.

00:09:51.879 --> 00:10:01.799
The aftermath of that two word sentence delivered with the power of an assault rifle loaded with stink pellets, hung in the air like venomous gun smoke.

00:10:02.279 --> 00:10:04.579
There are two things I know for sure.

00:10:05.279 --> 00:10:09.479
One, I loathe Blue McKenna on a scale beyond measure.

00:10:09.859 --> 00:10:18.399
Two, there is definitely something nefarious happening at Juniper Hollow, although I don't consider Blue's death to be one of them.

00:10:18.779 --> 00:10:26.559
I inadvertently spent the night at Juniper Hollow after Jasper Stratton hosted his grand opening for Regenerent, his vitamin company.

00:10:26.999 --> 00:10:31.079
I like to get out and about, especially for big events like this one.

00:10:31.659 --> 00:10:35.599
I'm simply not content to stay home and lick myself all day.

00:10:36.259 --> 00:10:37.919
Not that there's anything wrong with that.

00:10:38.299 --> 00:10:43.519
Fortunately, Moon is accustomed to letting me tag along whenever it suits my stripedy goodness.

00:10:44.339 --> 00:10:50.179
On this particular day, Blue was with us, which put a damper on an otherwise delightful affair.

00:10:50.679 --> 00:10:55.639
The spread coming out of the kitchens at Juniper Hollow were scrump dilly-ishus.

00:10:56.259 --> 00:11:05.319
Chicken salad sandwiches on many croissants, individual pork pies, salmon and fresh shrimp by the bucketful.

00:11:05.779 --> 00:11:13.399
I generally don't go for sweets, but the strawberry cream puffs they laid out like little pink dominoes knocked me over.

00:11:14.339 --> 00:11:21.099
My girlfriend, Miss Kitty, lives in a cabin on Granite Ridge, giving her a bird's eye view of Juniper Hollow.

00:11:21.779 --> 00:11:26.539
She was there for the big party, but she didn't arrive with her handler, Boyd Fletcher.

00:11:27.099 --> 00:11:31.099
Miss Kitty never gets to go anywhere with Boyd except to the vet.

00:11:31.599 --> 00:11:35.679
I don't know how she can stand this sort of cruel imprisonment.

00:11:36.379 --> 00:11:40.819
I'd try to bust her out, except Miss Kitty seems truly fond of the old crank.

00:11:41.379 --> 00:11:50.419
Maybe that's because Boyd took her in when the previous owners of Juniper Hollow lit the place on fire to cover up what most people say was a murder.

00:11:50.939 --> 00:11:56.139
Miss Kitty belonged to said victim and was nearing starvation when Boyd found her.

00:11:56.619 --> 00:12:03.039
Since that time, Miss Kitty has blossomed into what can politely be called a full-figured feline.

00:12:03.919 --> 00:12:05.359
She's even bigger than me.

00:12:06.019 --> 00:12:12.239
Despite all the fat shaming I endured from Blue, I'm hardly what you call grotesquely obese.

00:12:12.879 --> 00:12:19.359
And if anyone ever uses either of those words to describe Miss Kitty, I'll pinch a loaf into their shoe.

00:12:19.979 --> 00:12:20.739
I'm not kidding.

00:12:21.159 --> 00:12:22.219
Just ask Blue.

00:12:22.899 --> 00:12:27.959
I did her the favor of making sure she never wore those dowdy black flats again.

00:12:28.599 --> 00:12:33.339
Too bad I couldn't engineer a sloppy turd drop into her white cowboy boots.

00:12:35.199 --> 00:12:36.419
Hang tight, kitties.

00:12:36.739 --> 00:12:38.259
We'll be back in a scratch.

00:12:42.119 --> 00:12:46.419
Can't wait to hear the rest of Quirky Cat Gets Ghosted by Adele Park?

00:12:47.079 --> 00:12:51.279
Get ghosted today on Audible, Spotify and Barnes & Noble.

00:12:52.019 --> 00:12:53.459
Meow, bitches.

00:12:54.359 --> 00:12:58.379
I really don't like audio books, but this one kicks ass.

00:13:06.219 --> 00:13:16.279
PetLifeRadio.com Getting back to Juniper Hollow, Miss Kitty met me on the backside of a three-story tower they call The Residence.

00:13:16.799 --> 00:13:21.939
I wondered if Jasper Stratton and his zoned out wife lifted this term from the White House.

00:13:22.899 --> 00:13:28.139
True, the residence at Juniper Hollow is white, but these two probably don't even vote.

00:13:29.019 --> 00:13:36.439
A gray flagstone patio surrounds the entire residence, with a common plaza connecting it to the regenerant plant.

00:13:37.299 --> 00:13:43.839
I was happy to discover the kitchen in the regenerant building was directly across from the kitchen on the east side of the residence.

00:13:44.599 --> 00:13:51.179
This meant the doors to both buildings were propped open, giving Miss Kitty and I easy access to either place.

00:13:52.059 --> 00:13:58.999
Most of the hot food was coming out of the residence kitchen, including a load of tot-sized pepperoni pizzas.

00:14:00.359 --> 00:14:07.459
Pepperoni makes me gassy with a heartburn after effect, but it has a special place in my food memory.

00:14:08.399 --> 00:14:13.659
Pepperoni pizza was the first thing I was given to eat after I got my paw flattened by a car.

00:14:14.399 --> 00:14:17.279
The lady who smushed it didn't have any cat food.

00:14:18.199 --> 00:14:24.799
I had been living in a parking garage, so that greasy Italian ulcer maker went down like a Sunday morning.

00:14:25.939 --> 00:14:29.659
Most people have no idea what it's like to be hungry.

00:14:30.259 --> 00:14:34.359
For this reason, I absolutely refuse to be bullied about my body.

00:14:35.079 --> 00:14:39.079
You got a problem with my size or Miss Kitty's glorious full figure?

00:14:39.559 --> 00:14:47.639
Go fuck yourself with a giant nightstick, because obviously you need to dislodge whatever it is you have shoved up your shanker.

00:14:48.299 --> 00:14:54.659
Moving on, Miss Kitty and I spent a delectable afternoon quietly darting between the two kitchens.

00:14:55.679 --> 00:15:01.219
There were so many people gawking and gobbling, no one noticed us.

00:15:02.339 --> 00:15:06.439
Miss Kitty did get a little spooked when her handler Boyd showed up.

00:15:07.079 --> 00:15:12.699
We'd been foraging for hours and couldn't reasonably pack in another bite, although I tried.

00:15:13.779 --> 00:15:17.919
Miss Kitty split for Granite Ridge, hoping to make it back before Boyd.

00:15:18.919 --> 00:15:25.299
She gets free run of the ridge, but Boyd gets stressed when he spots her roaming around at Juniper Hollow.

00:15:26.079 --> 00:15:27.739
And he's always looking.

00:15:28.679 --> 00:15:33.979
Boyd's got a pair of high-powered binoculars that could detect a freckle on the butt of an ant.

00:15:35.199 --> 00:15:47.539
Moon and her moronic sister, Blue, seemed to be settled in for the day, staying way longer than it should have taken to learn all there is to know about how to stuff vitamins into plastic bottles.

00:15:48.719 --> 00:15:52.139
By mid-afternoon, the pepperoni pizzas were making me woozy.

00:15:52.899 --> 00:16:01.519
I wasn't quite through with them, however, so I snuggled in for a little shut eye in a dark corner of a laundry room on the first floor of the residence.

00:16:02.559 --> 00:16:06.879
I was feeling a tad delirious from all the food and slept longer than I planned.

00:16:08.099 --> 00:16:09.519
It was dark when I woke up.

00:16:10.079 --> 00:16:13.439
The doors leading outside were no longer propped open.

00:16:14.319 --> 00:16:15.539
Fantastic!

00:16:16.119 --> 00:16:21.859
I ate myself into an afternoon coma and now my ride back to Gecko's Gulch was gone.

00:16:22.979 --> 00:16:26.079
No way I wanted to walk home in this condition.

00:16:26.639 --> 00:16:30.659
Better to show up on the doorstep of Boyd's cabin and have him call Moon.

00:16:31.659 --> 00:16:37.199
Her twin daughters would be losing their sweet little minds worrying about where I'd gotten off to.

00:16:38.219 --> 00:16:41.359
All I had to do was figure out how to get out of the residence.

00:16:42.279 --> 00:16:43.519
Without getting caught.

00:16:44.539 --> 00:16:46.659
It wasn't the humans I was afraid of.

00:16:47.159 --> 00:16:49.979
They'd probably just open a door and scat me out.

00:16:51.039 --> 00:16:52.639
It was the damn dog.

00:16:53.039 --> 00:16:53.679
Cupcake.

00:16:54.319 --> 00:16:59.099
This yapping ball of albino pubic hair was anything but sweet.

00:16:59.539 --> 00:17:05.759
A real insult to Cupcakes, especially the little yellow ones with lemon frosting I had during the open house.

00:17:06.619 --> 00:17:10.099
They were almost as good as the strawberry puff pastries.

00:17:10.959 --> 00:17:14.859
Cupcake didn't mingle with the crowd during the big regenerant revival.

00:17:15.459 --> 00:17:19.399
He was locked up on the third floor, baying like a drunken donkey.

00:17:20.359 --> 00:17:32.059
In between snatching goodies from the kitchen, Miss Kitty and I took the liberty of exploring the residence, quickly figuring out Cupcake was stashed in a corner room next to a large bedroom suite.

00:17:32.839 --> 00:17:35.819
I know this because we basically had free run of the place.

00:17:36.859 --> 00:17:43.979
Just to crank the albino-brillo pad, I made a big show of begging Cupcake to join us for the party.

00:17:44.919 --> 00:17:50.139
Of course, this drove the spastic yipster out of his screeching pea-sized mind.

00:17:51.419 --> 00:18:01.419
Miss Kitty's handler spends so much time snooping on Juniper Hollow, I already knew Cupcake had a doggy door going out to the balcony on the east side of the residence.

00:18:02.139 --> 00:18:08.399
Walkout balconies wrap around both the second and third floors with varying degrees of outdoor amenities.

00:18:09.359 --> 00:18:20.359
The one where they kept Cupcake had white, wrought-iron patio furniture with pink and white striped seat covers, fake trees bursting with pastel flowers, and a pee pad.

00:18:21.059 --> 00:18:26.999
Yup, that's right, Cupcake lives in a phony ice cream parlor and pees on a pad.

00:18:27.739 --> 00:18:29.399
No wonder he's such a bitch.

00:18:30.259 --> 00:18:35.719
The door to Cupcake's room was closed during the party, so I didn't see what kind of digs he has.

00:18:36.399 --> 00:18:42.119
He was locked up in the suite where his owner, Kelly Stratton, lays her bottle-blonde head each night.

00:18:43.219 --> 00:18:54.779
I noticed Cupcake was kept away from the room with doggy door, leading to the bulbous pink patio where Kelly chain smokes, while resting her sculpted butt on seat cushions designed by Baskin-Robbins.

00:18:55.819 --> 00:19:00.279
Not hard to understand why Kelly drugs herself to infinity and beyond.

00:19:01.139 --> 00:19:08.879
Boyd Fletcher spends so much time keeping tabs on the happenings at Juniper Hollow that I'm familiar with the layout of the place.

00:19:09.639 --> 00:19:15.859
I've seen Boyd taking pictures or peering in with his government issue binoculars on numerous occasions.

00:19:16.819 --> 00:19:18.719
Miss Kitty fills me in on the rest.

00:19:19.699 --> 00:19:23.839
Basically, the place is top heavy with young female employees.

00:19:24.679 --> 00:19:28.599
On the weekends, the testosterone tribe helicopters in.

00:19:29.399 --> 00:19:36.619
The vitamin business may be legit, although you have to question why Jasper deliberately staffed it with polygamous.

00:19:37.679 --> 00:19:46.419
I'm not buying his garbage about giving back to the blighted community which discarded him like a soil diaper filled with salty gruel.

00:19:47.359 --> 00:19:49.399
Jasper used to be on the inside.

00:19:49.919 --> 00:19:52.859
He was born to view women as commodities.

00:19:53.699 --> 00:20:02.039
The bug that crawled up Boyd's butt and was madly buzzing around has to do with the landing pad for the helicopter on top of the residence.

00:20:02.979 --> 00:20:09.119
True, Juniper Hollow isn't easy to reach, especially if you're coming from a place like Las Vegas or St.

00:20:09.139 --> 00:20:09.739
George, Utah.

00:20:10.159 --> 00:20:12.559
But who can't put in a two hour drive?

00:20:13.619 --> 00:20:20.519
According to Jasper, the helicopter is used to bring investors and board members to Juniper Hollow for meetings.

00:20:21.499 --> 00:20:25.439
Jasper greased a whole lot of palms to get the permit for the helipad.

00:20:26.339 --> 00:20:31.959
Boyd hollered himself hoarse at the zoning meetings, only to be swatted away like an annoying gnat.

00:20:32.679 --> 00:20:37.619
The Pitt County Commissioners were thrilled to finally have the mob gone from Juniper Hollow.

00:20:38.619 --> 00:20:40.179
Polygamous, they could handle.

00:20:40.739 --> 00:20:48.559
All they did was rip off the federal government, which, and the religiously sterile minds of the Pitt County Commissioners, wasn't such a bad thing.

00:20:49.159 --> 00:20:51.399
So long as the con didn't get local.

00:20:52.019 --> 00:21:00.779
Besides, the welfare scam that relocated more than a dozen men from Zion Flats to the Graybar Motel cleaned up the mess considerably.

00:21:01.519 --> 00:21:07.119
As for Jasper, all indications are he doesn't give two farts and a poop about religion.

00:21:07.959 --> 00:21:13.659
You won't catch Jasper darkening the doors of any church, either in Zion Flats or Naval.

00:21:14.599 --> 00:21:20.879
Jasper's comments to the Naval Weekly banner about helping those affected by the plight of polygamy fell on deaf ears.

00:21:21.619 --> 00:21:28.519
The people in Pitt County care about their polygamous neighbors about as much as Congress cares about meaningful gun control.

00:21:29.339 --> 00:21:44.679
So, Jasper's got pligs filling vitamin bottles at Regenerent, girls in pale pink dress uniforms cleaning imaginary dust at the residence, and a posse of young, muscle-bound Turks arriving by helicopter on the weekends.

00:21:45.399 --> 00:21:47.479
They stay on the second floor of the residence.

00:21:48.119 --> 00:21:52.579
In the mornings, you can see them on the covered balcony pumping weights and sweating spooge.

00:21:53.559 --> 00:21:56.999
Spending the night in the residence felt like it took a lifetime.

00:21:57.939 --> 00:22:02.579
The door leading to Cupcake's ice cream parlor pee pad area was shut.

00:22:03.139 --> 00:22:05.719
Same with the door to Jasper and Kelly's room.

00:22:06.919 --> 00:22:08.139
I needed to take a dump.

00:22:08.799 --> 00:22:13.439
I know for a fact my shit doesn't stink because I've made it a point to smell it.

00:22:14.159 --> 00:22:16.639
Nonetheless, I have my pride to think about.

00:22:17.399 --> 00:22:19.019
Time to wake up Cupcake.

00:22:19.879 --> 00:22:25.559
All it took was a few scratches on the door to get that dingy pot scrubber to commence with the yowling.

00:22:26.299 --> 00:22:30.419
There's only one door leading to the Pepto Bismol Pink patio.

00:22:31.259 --> 00:22:35.499
Cupcake was practically having a seizure now that he knew I was around.

00:22:36.319 --> 00:22:41.659
It took longer than I would have expected for Kelly to tend to this early morning assault to the ears.

00:22:42.639 --> 00:22:48.919
At one point, Jasper yelled something, followed by a thunk where a shoe was chucked against a wall.

00:22:49.759 --> 00:22:55.939
Moments later, the door to the master suite opened and Kelly timidly crept into the thickly carpeted hallway.

00:22:56.599 --> 00:22:57.579
What the heck?

00:22:57.919 --> 00:23:00.079
Did she go to sleep with makeup on?

00:23:00.659 --> 00:23:04.079
How was it possible for her hair to be so perfectly coiffed?

00:23:04.559 --> 00:23:10.939
Kelly was wrapped in a bathrobe made from about 40 yards of fluffy pink material.

00:23:11.899 --> 00:23:15.799
She looked like a Cupid doll ensconced in a giant loofah.

00:23:16.719 --> 00:23:26.859
Her toenails, pink with tiny white polka dots, poked out from a pair of bedroom slippers, festooned with what looked like the feathers from the rump of a flamingo.

00:23:27.779 --> 00:23:30.239
Jesus, lady, enough with the pink already.

00:23:30.979 --> 00:23:39.759
I slunk back against the wall in the hallway when Kelly came out of the suite, looking like she was walking the red carpet at an awards show for zombies.

00:23:40.679 --> 00:23:45.419
The lights weren't on in the hallway or Kelly's maybe its Maybelline head.

00:23:46.399 --> 00:23:49.999
I only had a couple of seconds to dart into the escape room.

00:23:50.739 --> 00:23:57.719
Despite being denser than a load of lead pipes, Cupcake saw me and spastically lunged in my direction.

00:23:58.499 --> 00:24:04.959
Anticipating this move, I leapt to higher ground, taking refuge on top of a glass display case.

00:24:05.779 --> 00:24:09.319
Cupcake was quick on my heels, snarling and baying.

00:24:10.479 --> 00:24:11.879
I took a quick look around.

00:24:12.339 --> 00:24:13.519
Jeepers, creepers!

00:24:13.899 --> 00:24:18.499
The entire room was filled with cases just like the one I was perched on.

00:24:19.299 --> 00:24:20.879
Why the long face, you ask?

00:24:21.379 --> 00:24:24.379
Well, how do you feel about demon dolls?

00:24:25.139 --> 00:24:34.139
What I saw in this room looked like the malignant spirit of every sinister doll movie ever made times a hundred thousand.

00:24:35.039 --> 00:24:37.699
There wasn't a beach blanket Barbie among them.

00:24:38.439 --> 00:24:43.779
Display cases, like the one I was resting my hiney on, lined all four walls.

00:24:44.599 --> 00:24:50.899
Every shelf was packed with old fashioned dolls, all with those unsettling hand-painted faces.

00:24:51.699 --> 00:24:52.779
Creepy!

00:24:53.419 --> 00:25:04.479
Despite her dreamlike state, Kelly was quick to unlock the doggy door, no doubt trying to keep her pathetic pee pad devotee from waking up the entire residence.

00:25:05.399 --> 00:25:11.539
I leapt from my spot on the display case, wishing I had time to spray some of those hideous dolls on my way out.

00:25:12.039 --> 00:25:15.919
Cupcake was so worked up, I actually beat him out the door.

00:25:16.579 --> 00:25:21.099
Did I see some heinous child slave operation during my stay at the residence?

00:25:21.719 --> 00:25:24.019
No, I didn't see any kids at all.

00:25:24.879 --> 00:25:29.979
Some of the pink ladies with dust mops looked young, but not like jailbait tenderloins.

00:25:30.939 --> 00:25:35.019
Nor were there any torture chambers, sex dungeons or meth labs.

00:25:35.559 --> 00:25:40.079
Yet, I had to agree with Blue, there was something nefarious happening here.

00:25:41.059 --> 00:25:48.539
The question buggering me now was what did this satchel of smelly green ghost glop expect me to do about it?

00:25:49.319 --> 00:25:55.459
I suppose I could actually listen when Boyd Fletcher gets his tuna trawler in a twirl about Juniper Hollow.

00:25:55.959 --> 00:26:00.179
I'm up on Granite Ridge with my twin handlers at least a couple of times a month.

00:26:00.979 --> 00:26:04.839
Problem is, this arrangement may be coming to a sad end.

00:26:05.739 --> 00:26:07.299
I'll still see Miss Kitty.

00:26:08.019 --> 00:26:12.199
No one in the Tri-County region would be allowed to sleep if I missed my cat courting.

00:26:12.959 --> 00:26:15.939
The question is, who will take me to visit?

00:26:16.419 --> 00:26:24.439
The citizens of Navel are the human version of Kelly's Pink Parlor Monstrosity, tackiness covered in cotton candy.

00:26:25.079 --> 00:26:30.959
These Mormon soul scrotums are not the innocent Napoleon dynamites I once thought of them as.

00:26:31.839 --> 00:26:41.939
With only a week left in the school year, my twin handlers came home from school asking their parents what a faggot was and why a group of fourth graders said their dad was one.

00:26:42.639 --> 00:26:48.799
By the next day, plans were being made to hustle the twins out of here, maybe even permanently.

00:26:49.939 --> 00:26:54.359
Even before this happened, the twins were scheduled to spend a month at summer camp.

00:26:55.019 --> 00:26:59.679
The faggot fandango extended that to at least the whole summer.

00:27:00.579 --> 00:27:04.319
If their dad Randall gets his way, they may move to California.

00:27:05.179 --> 00:27:09.159
I heard it's hella fun there, but that really doesn't do a cat any good.

00:27:10.019 --> 00:27:11.619
I have Miss Kitty to think about.

00:27:12.339 --> 00:27:14.819
We're quite an item if you haven't caught on to that yet.

00:27:15.579 --> 00:27:20.999
Moon is staying behind this summer, supposedly to do repairs on Gecko's Gulch.

00:27:21.719 --> 00:27:27.779
Since Moon slinks around like she's a ghost herself, I don't envision her making much progress.

00:27:28.839 --> 00:27:33.439
Lately, Moon has been about as empty headed as Kelly, the ooky doll hoarder.

00:27:34.479 --> 00:27:34.979
I get it.

00:27:35.419 --> 00:27:37.399
Moon is sad that Blue is gone.

00:27:38.039 --> 00:27:42.199
And her mother-in-law kicked the bucket just a few months before her sister.

00:27:43.219 --> 00:27:49.999
Nonetheless, the vacant lot growing dandelions in Moon's head makes her of no use to anyone.

00:27:50.739 --> 00:27:56.839
When it comes to Randall, he's boinking a young lawyer working to overturn the ban on gay marriage in California.

00:27:57.899 --> 00:28:02.359
This faggot situation in Naval is just pushing him further out the door.

00:28:03.339 --> 00:28:09.979
I've even heard Randall talking about putting his salon, the best little hair house in Naval, up for sale.

00:28:10.599 --> 00:28:15.599
Without putting it in actual words, since that's like trying to pry a buck from J.

00:28:15.619 --> 00:28:23.699
Paul Getty, Blue let me know she's going to stalk me until I help her figure out why she crashed into the piling on the bridge at Juniper Hollow.

00:28:24.899 --> 00:28:31.079
I would just ignore her, but there's no brushing off the overflowing septic tank smell.

00:28:32.099 --> 00:28:38.359
Miss Kitty has agreed to sneak back in the residence for another look, so that might make for an interesting afternoon.

00:28:39.419 --> 00:28:45.599
What rams a hot poker up my pee hole is the fact that Blue left this whole thing up to me.

00:28:46.779 --> 00:28:49.059
No wonder I can't stand her.

00:28:54.299 --> 00:28:56.299
One good quirk leads to another.

00:28:56.859 --> 00:29:07.219
If you're enjoying Quirky Cat Gets Ghosted, you should pounce over to audible.com and snag yourself a download of Quirky Cat Goes Splat by Adele Park.

00:29:08.019 --> 00:29:14.599
Splat is the story of two twitchy teenagers who team up with Skitters the Cat to raise holy hell.

00:29:15.579 --> 00:29:19.039
Quirky Cat Goes Splat, it's the cat's meow.

00:29:20.039 --> 00:29:23.159
Get Splat today on audible.com.

00:29:24.299 --> 00:29:30.359
Let's talk pets, every week on demand, only on petliferadio.com.